GOLF RESOLUTIONS
HI Happy Holidays & NEW YEAR’S GOLF RESOLUTIONS 2019 To Swing Hard and my golf friends everywhere, It’s resolution time on the calendar. And though my ukulele band, Ukulele Jubilee is booked for six events in 2019 and my ukulele musical skills continue to improve; my golf game is really fu==-9^23(*&%90-=0786664 eued up! But I’m convinced with new goals, a more dedicated workout agenda, dietary restrictions and less vigorous sexual activity; my golf game may improve.
So here are my resolutions for 2019.
HEAVY RESOLUTIONS 1. I will no longer toss a club, beat it into the ground, or snap a shaft in anger……and after leaving the driving range, I will carry this resolution onto the course itself. 2. I will not pull my fully loaded Glock G45 from my golf bag, just because you’ve talked during my backswing, frontswing, chip or putt. Hopefully, you’ve read this and will remember my G45 is in my golf bag less than a zipper away. Please note, to some of us golf is not just, ‘A Game!’ 3. After a particularly bad round I will not whine or cry.4. After a particularly good round I will calmly collect my winnings and head to the men’s room before I cheer or gloat.
GAME ADJUSTMENTS 1. I will not decelerate on a chip or a putt. 2. I will try to remember when to accelerate. 3. I will never tee up an OLD BALL on a hole with a lake or a large, mouth like sand traps guarding the green. 4. I will never spend large sums of money on golf balls. 5. If my ball is in a divot, near a sprinkler, or drain hole, I will let everyone in my foursome know about it. Unless I’m playing with Kevin Miller. Who would tell me it’s “Most unfortunate and insists I hit the ball.”4. I will make every attempt not to converse with my golf ball in any situation. Currently, there is no scientific evidence that even a Titlest Pro v 1 or the latest advancement in Taylor golf balls have been given artificial intelligence. To my knowledge no golf ball understands or ever responds to commands such as: “Sit, Sit, Sit. Go, Go, STOP FU)*&^$%$^ER, get up, or turn over.”5. After a shot, as the ball leaves the face of an iron, I will never say: ”Be the right club.” I realize my club has no vested interest in the success or failure of any of my shots or side bets I’ve made with Tom or Ernie.
I further resolve in 2019, after every round, with a glass of bourbon in my hand, I will never say, “that was the worst round of my life; I can’t remember playing this badly,” of course I can; it was the last time I played! Instead I’ll think of the laugther, the sheer joy of being with my friends and what we share together in a round of golf. And then I’ll pick up my ukulele and drive all of you nuts. Happy Holidays & New Year! May your heads stay down….. and you putters stay up. See you on the tee.
Tuck
Please feel free to make additions of your own. Who knows “Swing Hard Players Golf’s New Year’s Resolutions could become a best seller. We’d have to divide ourselves into foursomes just to accommodate the demands for personal appearances on various sports channels, Bryant Gumbel’s Show and various golf courses.
CONTRIBUTION BELOW
Hi Tucker,Wishing you and Barbara a happy and healthy New Year! Regarding your Golf Resolutions: I have never broken a club (at the range) but I did break my foot. I will spare you the details but I finished off the bucket before going to the emergency room.The reason your ball doesn't listen to you is because you buy the cheap ones made in China. My American balls listen and understand "sit, go and F*ck."I don't cry after a bad round but collapse into the fetal position for several minutes.I always play old balls on forced carries because that way I only moan about the shot and not losing the ball. Take care,Gary Barsocchini